The Crazy Beyoncé Search Terms That Bring People to My Site

Last Thursday, Beyoncé released her 5th album. Here at Violet on Orange, my mandate is clear: I must let the world know what I think.

I wrote about my experience seeing Bey in concert this past summer. (Speaking of, why wasn’t my name in the album credits? I screamed “HEY MRS. CARTER,” just as she instructs at the beginning of “Yoncé,” extra loud at the Staples Center.)

Surprisingly, that Beyoncé entry is one of the more popular posts on this site. While I delude myself that it’s because the world is clamoring to know my quarrel with her lyrical inconsistencies, the top query leading people to the page is “beyonce jay z troubled marriage.” (The entry was called “My Troubled Relationship with Beyonce”; hence the high search placement.)

In fact, let’s take a quick spin through the ever-interesting metrics page, shall we? According to the trusty tool, among the top 5000 queries that bring people to this site, there are at least 59 (!) distinct Beyoncé-related entries. The list includes all the usual suspects – “beyonce [song title],” “beyonce engagement ring,” “beyonce jay z,” etc.

Beyond(cé) that, there’s a whole treasure trove. I’m concerned that people who searched for these terms initially didn’t find what they were looking for on my page, so I’d like to remedy that right now.

Coming in at 236 on the list, we have the query “beyonce devil ring.” Hm, I didn’t know about this. My own quick research (Ouroboros querying!) indicates that back in April 2010, Beyonce wore a ring that people suspected to contain a symbol of Baphomet, a pagan idol apparently connected with Satanism.

On her right middle finger is the “devil ring” in question. When she hears that you searched the web for this image, Almighty Bey will raise said finger at you in disgust.

I guess this ties into the whole Illuminati rumors. Now, to my boyfriend’s eternal consternation, I’ve been known to wear a tin foil hat that practically blocks out the sun. But even I can’t become too invested in this particular conspiracy, which alleges that Beyoncé and Jay-Z are in some secret society of devil worshipers. Indeed, something seems a little off with some of the facts presented, but all the arguments seem so tenuous and random. I’m just not the type to play Led Zeppelin albums backwards or scrutinize random hand gestures in an attempt to tease out secret infernal meanings.

Next, we have query 239: “beyonce doll.” Oh, my, GOSH. I apologize to anybody who came to this site off of this query. You have been misdirected. Heretofore, my feeble mind had not dreamed of such a possibility as described in the term “beyonce doll.” As such, I’m sure the Violet on Orange entry that resulted left you highly disappointed. Surely you meant to find a page like this, which contains this incredible creation:

To quote B herself, in the underappreciated B-Day single “Green Light”: GIVE IT. TO. MAMA.

Side note: “Green Light” is, according to Wikipedia, “an R&B-funk song with lyrics detailing a break-up song in which the female protagonist gives her love interest the permission to move out.” Nevertheless, it was the first track on a mix CD I made for my boyfriend in our first year of dating. I hoped to remind him that I’m a strong woman.

I will now order this open-armed, latter-day tan Cabbage Patch Beyoncé and strut around Los Angeles, cradling her as Bey does in the “Blue” video.

Or, I’ll just order this apparent mashup of “Beyoncé Barbie” and “Christ the Redeemer” and call it a day.

This Barbie is definitely “smizing.” Tyra would be proud. (Future CW cycle: “America’s Next Top Mattel: Dolls.”)