It Feels So Scary Getting Old

Title excerpted from the Lorde’s work.

I’d like register my befuddlement with the trend of people claiming “Lorde seems 40!” What? That’s so rude. What has pop culture become when people accuse a female celebrity of lying about her age, simply because she’s preternaturally eloquent? Such charges belittle the ambition and career foresight that likely got her there.

“Step into my cape of age-rage!”

While I’m here: I mentioned previously that it irked me when people make the same charge about an “A-lister’s celebrity wife.” I don’t know why I felt the need to dissemble; I was referring to Hilaria Baldwin, née Hillary Hayward-Thomas. Decades back, I distinctly remember her pouting when Bill Clinton started picking up momentum as a Presidential candidate, because she feared that the arrival of a global figure named Hillary would cause her name to become dismayingly common. Forward-thinking elementary schooler! I guess this set the wheels in motion for the “Hilaria” rebrand. Anyway, Hillary/Hilaria is not 40. Back up off her. Violet on Orange Directive: Stop accusing Lorde and Hilaria Baldwin of lying about their ages.

On the other hand: Rebel Wilson and Margot Robbie are in no way 28 and 23. Ladies, nice try. I appreciate the antipodean hustle, but you can’t just hide behind the whole “being Australian” thing while you try to fob off some downright incredible (in the literal sense of the word) faux biography. (Akin to: “Here I am, a dewy young ingénue in Hollywood! Why, I was just hopping around the Outback in my momma’s pouch, so to speak, last week!” No, ya weren’t. Ya burnt.)

Forever young: You’re never too old to make out in public on a busy London street corner.

Now, you may find my Lorde/Hilaria age-defending to be at odds with my accusations of Rebel/Margot age-fudging. The distinction is simple: In the case of Lorde, people allege she’s older because her lyrical motifs seem to be beyond the ken of a teen. In the case of Rebel and Margot, people allege they’re older because the level of renown they’ve achieved is not consistent with anecdotal evidence of how long it takes for a relative unknown to break into the entertainment industry. (In their narratives, it’s like you pick up a few credits in Australia, roll up to LAX and join the Hollywood A-List not more than 6 months later. What? To try to push this logistically improbable narrative is an insult to many talented non-U.S. citizens I knew from college and elsewhere, who fretted mightily about visa issues, and who, despite their work ethic and talent, were often forced to decamp back abroad following the designated 1-year grace period after graduation.) This feels like Riley Weston all over again, and I don’t appreciate it.