Fiancée All on His Mouth Like Liquor: Yes, I Plan to Stay Engaged Forever

The other day, Deepak introduced me to someone as his fiancée. The person we were meeting genially blurted out, “Congratulations!”

Separately, on a recent out-of-town trip, the bellhop called me “Mrs.”

Ah, the two extremes of having been engaged for a while. First, there’s the secondhand glow of excitement, anticipation — of being on the cusp of something. Then, after 6 months or so, there’s the assumption that the deed has already been done.

A particularly ridiculous example of that perennial AMAZING RACE staple: the team comprised of “engaged” whatevers. We could have been on 3 different seasons as EWs (engaged whatevers) by now!

In that Wrigley’s jingle/wedding viral video soundtrack/objectively great song we are now to hate because it was performed by a known Rihanna-beater — “Forever” by Chris Brown — Brown sings:

Rewritten for our circumstances, we have:

“It’s you & me moving at the speed of light into uncertainty”
“It’s you & me moving at the speed of light into an ebola isolation facility”
“It’s you & me moving at the speed of into eternity … except, the light is traveling through a bath of laser-bathed cold sodium atoms”

There are some glimmers of hope on the horizon, maybe. I will now tease again and refrain from detailing some of the major stumbling blocks to our ability to set a date. But that doesn’t mean we can’t gather ideas! IT’S OKAY TO LOOK.™ To quote the ever-relevant slogan of an online dating company.

Some observations from the long road:

TIP #1: Enjoy the perks of being engaged! Everywhere you go, people direct goodwill and genuine well-wishes to you. Or they don’t – and the silence and/or malice is like a piece of litmus paper turning bright red. (You are an ACID. Bye!)

DO: Provide excellent parting gifts! This adorable baby cake was a sample from The Butter End Cakery. Completely unexpected, and also delicious!

Adorably presented, too!

We were given this cake sample on the first of 3 planned stops. Upon receipt, we cut out the last 2 stops because we really wanted to try the sweets. (The cake came to us refrigerated and we were told to keep it chilled; a good omen with regards to icing composition!). Priorities. Perhaps this is why our process is dragging on so?

TIP #2: Pick a wedding venue that will look classy and nice even if you were to spend NOTHING on decorations.

This is a perennial tip that you will probably read a hundred times in various literature. But it doesn’t sink in until you see really SPARTAN setups (which you won’t until you’re in the midst of your own wedding and suddenly second-guess your decision to turn down the $9/person Chiavari chair charge!). Keep it simple. Keep it cheap. Choose a place with high-end fixtures!

Nixon Library in Yorba Linda, Calif. Look at this behemoth! You don’t have to worry about uplighting upcharges as much with something like this hanging.

Or, the grounds themselves could be rustically beautiful. This is @ Calamigos Ranch in Malibu, Calif.

Also rustically charming: This merry-go-round is fully functional (but there will be a several-thousand-dollar charge to operate and/or take photos on it)

“Using the immovable decor of the place” cuts all ways – you could get married with the backdrop of this decommissioned Army One helicopter at the Nixon Library!

Better still: why not invite controversial global figures, from the Nixon LIbrary’s World Leaders exhibit, to your iconic “First Look” photos? I can hear Zhou Enlai now: “Girl, you went with lace? That is so Kate Middleton 2011. Prince George is in grade school now!”

Deepak had words for them too.

OMG – where did they find this picture of me?

TIP #3: Stop and take pictures! The open houses, setups for other weddings and other demos may be nicer than your own wedding will ever be (just speaking for myself). Why not insert yourself in front of that decorative flower wall or at that $7,000 sweetheart table?

Here comes the bride - you can tell by her floating train of marabou, trailing delicately in the breeze like Trump's toupee on a gusty day.

Here comes the bride – you can tell by her floating train of marabou, trailing delicately in the breeze like Trump’s hairtop on a gusty day.

We won’t be paying for these elaborate settings and centerpieces. Upon beginning to plan a wedding, you finally learn that little touches like these can quickly act as a budget multiplier!