Now that I have those Beyoncé pregnancy-related GIFs out of my system, let’s be candid.
I’ve always been serious about settling down. I truly don’t care how unpopular, pathetic or retrograde this makes me seem. Just as Josh’s date, falsely quoting Hamlet, was corrected by Cher, correctly quoting Polonius: “To thine own self be true.”
I used to walk to work at the aforementioned converted West Hollywood bungalow, and would arrive all sweaty from the hike (professional). I’d walk through the door, make a beeline for a years-old abandoned bag of frozen soy beans in the communal Frigidaire (sanitary) and shove the soothingly chilly pods down my dress to cool down (ladylike).
Upon my coworker Sam’s inevitably horrified expression, I’d shift the bag to my womb area and loudly announce, “I’m ready to be an edamame!”
I know what you’re thinking, and yes — I was handily voted Employee of the Year 5 years running. (In my mind.)
All gratuitous puns, inappropriate workplace behavior and unsanitary practices aside, I am ready to be a mom. I am from Georgia, after all, and I never was one of those types to think my career needs to explode before my waist circumference does. Scary phrasing! But on that note, I’m also just young and stubborn enough not to worry that having a kid will inevitably blow my body to hell (ridiculous terminology/idea whose very premise I abhor, but I’m just citing common arguments). I mean, you can still run 50 miles/week all the way up to your delivery date, right? (Rhetorical question.)
To be clear, there is absolutely no way I will become pregnant before getting married. (Stock answer for my mom/maternal grandmother: “Indeed, it is medically impossible, as Violet Inviolate shall carefully uphold the nightly tradition of chastely kissing Deepak on the cheek, thence repairing to her segregated bedchambers.”)
There are 2 primary safeguards assuring prenuptial nulligravida.
1. The wedding dress I have is too small. I don’t currently fit it — again, at 50 miles/week and fairly reasonable indulgences. There’s nary the space for an errant quaff of water, for goodness’ sake, let alone a blastula.
2. Finally, they don’t make bridal parkas strong enough to withstand the polar winds of opprobrium I would receive from my mother and maternal grandmother on the occasion of becoming premaritally pregnant (again, please see “Georgia upbringing”).