My Candid Wedding Photos Speak Volumes! But Do I Like What They Say?

Hello! Today is my birthday. I proudly wrote last year of having removed my birthday info from Facebook. But apparently this year I got a taste of that sweet nectar of “long-forgotten friends’ barrage of well-wishes” after we went wide with our wedding. So for this birthday, I went loud & proud with it, and allowed the disembodied voice of Mark Zuckerberg (as it were) to announce to the world that on this day in history, I screamed down my poor mother’s birth canal — a leisurely 2 weeks after I was scheduled to — in vertex position!

Wow! Mark Zuckerberg took time out of his busy job of running the entire digital world and growing his corporate footprint in our very neighborhood (true fact) to wish me happy birthday personally! Thanks, disembodied Zuckerbot!

I have confirmed with my mother this morning, when she sweetly called me at the very hour and minute that I showed my face in the delivery room, that she didn’t use an epidural and she strongly suggests I not use one either. Yes, I am now at an age where I want to know my mother’s advice on delivery room analgesic options. You may infer from that tidbit my true age! I will, in tandem, promulgate ever more insistently my protean “Hollywood age.” (Note: My somewhat scientific study of blind items and back-alley celebrity gossip tells me that “Hollywood age” is usually “actual age” minus: about 0 years in your teens; 3 years in your 20s, 5 years in your 30s … and then the graph goes wild in your 40s and beyond. I think some people start to fudge by a figure of nearly a decade at that point!)

This is a picture of me, just in time for #tbt, smiling mischievously at the fact that I made my mom carry me for 2 extra weeks in her womb, and then came out posterior and vertex (head down, face out to belly — aka “sunny side up” in doctors-trying-not-to-freak-you-out slang)

Thank you all for checking out my latest entry on my wedding! I loved my wedding. As we all know, the key to comedy is surprise, so I’m sorry I’ve failed on that front: I couldn’t be more predictable and quotidian on my feelings about my new husband and my still-fresh connubial bliss. I’m loving marriage. My husband is the best; he gave me a much-better last name (with all deference and respect that’s due to Pu). But the act of going through a wedding and forming a marriage has allowed the wonderful power of our friends’ and families’ strength, wisdom and support to beam back at us a thousandfold. We feel it, we love it and we are forever grateful for it.

I’m happy to report that newlywed life is exactly like a Cialis commercial. Which is to say: It’s filled with treacly, cliched and probably downright disgusting moments. The American Medical Association has declared that observing Deepak & me in the first 2 weeks of our marriage is officially the world’s most powerful emetic. In these moments — which I’m sorry if you’ve had to witness / you’re welcome for providing them if you accidentally ingested poison — my new spouse and I lock eyes while metaphorical birds circle our heads in exquisite, Busby Berkeley-like formation. Simultaneously, an EKG-like telepathic jolt leaps between our two hearts, carrying that eternal, literal/metaphorical/metaphysical query: “My love, my partner, my entire galaxy … are you down to clown?”

Dry run! This is from our rehearsal. Everything but — the right clothes, 2/3 of the groomsmen (thanks for coming, Ross!), our officiant, our lovely audience, and a phalanx of professional photo/video/coordinator people.

Ernie way — in an effort to counteract the mawkishness swell: Here is a selection of outtakes from our wedding photos (mostly candids and user-submitted by our guests — thanks, everyone!). These are the pictures that most made me laugh. They probably won’t be going in the official album, but I got a lot of enjoyment and narrative from them!

This one says: “I’m all ready to get married! I spent hours and $$$ on this look. Yet I didn’t spend minutes or ¢¢¢ on fixing the big discolored stucco patches outside our house.”

This one says: “Hair done by sister, makeup done by cousin’s girlfriend, nails done by best friend, flowers done by me … ladies & gentlemen, I’m a stingy Chinese woman!”

This one says: “I didn’t think through the transport issues associated with this gargantuan homemade cascade bouquet. Someone will figure it out for me!” (Also – the flip flops I’m wearing are from the Dollar Tree. They have emojis printed on them and are emblazoned with the command: EXPRESS YOURSELF! I am trying to, flip flops!)

This one says: “I hate the proliferation of the insipid and unimaginative term/concept ‘squad.’ In this picture, you can see my RETINUE! *Squad* is for police, firefighters and mean cheerleaders. *Retinue* is for classy, archaic & resourceful trusted advisers! #retinue2therescue”

This one says: “I ordered the 15-foot veil because I love the idea of drama, but again, didn’t bother to think through the logistical/transportation issues. Cover for me, retinue!”

This one says: “Not without my champers.”

More to come!